Heart Lessons

In February the boys and I took a trip to Alberta to spend some time with Mum and Dad.  It was a precious time with both of them that I did not want to end; one I will never forget. It is so filled with precious times and memories with each of them.

It was so wonderful visiting with Mum over endless cups of coffee (I was the coffee fiend, not her...not a surprise to anyone who knows me). We had some great conversations covering family, faith, politics, parenting, and everything in between. It was a sweet time.

It was precious spending time with Dad; talking to him, singing to him (albeit very badly.....just ask all the people up and down his corridor), reading scripture to him, praying with him, and loving on him. It was heartbreaking when it came time to leave that final day.

As we traveled back,  I spent a good deal of the time enjoying my boys chatting away in the backseat to one another...and to me at times, listening to Chuck Missler expound on the book of Leviticus, and recollecting my journey to see loved ones.

It was not until I arrived home that I allowed myself to really begin to process the emotional side of my trip. I was unpacking, thinking about things, talking to the Lord and crying. I felt such deep grief down to my core. It was like waves of sadness crashing over me. I felt an almost a physical pain from the sorrow. My grief came from so much lost time through the years....so many lost opportunities for relationship...so many unfulfilled times of precious sharing and affection...so many unspoken conversations.

The reasons for the lost times are varied. To put it simply, it was the geography of our lives: sometimes literal, sometimes spiritual and sometimes emotional. It was at times the general busyness of life or sometimes just taking the time we did have for granted. Whatever the case, I grieved the lost times. I grieved knowing I could never get that time back. I will never in this lifetime have all the conversations I would love to have with my dad. I could see and thank the Lord for our relationship and for all the times we had, but that did not make me less sad....so sad to not have gotten the fullest relationship I could have had with my dad.

 I was telling the Lord all of this....telling Him I knew that someday it would be different...someday we would have eternity for visits and relationship, but that didn't make me grieve less about now. I told Him I was really grieving the lost times. I grieved all the times of missed relationship....missed visits....missed sharing.....grieved that it could have been so different...if only things had been different...if only I had taken more time.....

It was in the midst of me telling Him this that I heard a sweet, gentle voice say, "How do you think I feel?"

Words fail me when I try to describe the impact those words had on me. The magnitude and their meaning is still resounding in my spirit. Who understands relationships better than our precious Lord? Who understands the grief of missed opportunities for His children to know Him more...to love Him more...to lean on Him more? Who better understands what it feels like to have lost relationship because of separation...because of rebellion on the part of one of His children? Who better understands being rejected by someone He loves and so desperately wants to be His own?

Our Lord, not only understands this, He is the creator of relationship. He made us for relationship. He made us to desire and seek relationships. He demonstrated His desire for personal relationship as He daily walked in the garden with Adam and Eve. He wanted to spend time with them. He visited with them. He taught them. He loved them.

In the garden that relationship with God was broken. But it did not change His plan or desire for relationship with us. On the Cross relationship with God was restored for those who accept His free gift of eternal life through the blood of Jesus.  The restored relationship required the most precious, most innocent, most Beloved to be given on the Cross, to become sin for us because we have sinned. He loves us that much..that deeply.

Because He loves us, He made a way for a  redeemed and restored relationship. But when we accept Him as Lord of our lives, do we embrace this relationship? Do we seek to spend time with Him? Or do we take this precious relationship for granted? This relationship that cost us nothing, but cost Him everything.

I so often take it for granted. Sometimes I allow the busyness of life...the emotional...the spiritual....the nonsense...to get in the way of the most important, most precious, most necessary of all relationships in my life....and it hurts Him. He desires me to give Him the emotional....the spiritual....the nonsense. He wants to carry those burdens for me. This relationship impacts every aspect of my being, my life, and how I impact or affect those around me. It grieves the Lord when I am distant. It breaks His heart when I am far from Him. He misses me. He wants to spend time with me. He loves me beyond anything I can imagine.

My prayer is I will cherish and draw ever closer in my relationship with my heavenly Father. I pray I will cherish Him above all else in my life and because of relationship with Him,  I will cherish those in my life all the more. I pray I do not take any of the precious relationships He has given me for granted. I pray I will value them like the priceless treasures they are. I am so thankful for the precious ones He has placed in my life. I praise Him for giving me the gift of my children so I can so much better understand Him. I pray for deep, authentic relationships with all those I hold dear in my life.

I praise God that as I draw nearer to Him, He promises to draw nearer to me. That is a promise that makes my heart ache with longing for closer, deeper relationship.  I long to know Him more, love Him more,  and reflect Him more from the very core of my being. I pray His Holy Spirit will work in me and through me for His glory. I pray I will not forget or take lightly the heart lesson He has given me. I pray for wonderful, beautiful, precious relationships.